Here is the third and final installment of last week's presentation by Fr.Gerry McGlone of the St. John Vianney Treatment Center in Philadelphia, on Affective and Healthy Celibate Development.
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Case history---the Vancouver twins: in 1966 one boy was accidentally maimed during circumcision and it was decided to reassign him sexually and that he'd be raised as a girl. Psychologist John Money oversaw the transformation, mistakingly thinking the boy could then be raised as a female. He assumed male and female characteristics could be learned and developed socially, independent of biology. Big mistake. Even after ten years of therapy, the boy never identified as female. He spoke out publicly against random sexual reassignment surgery. In 2004, after years of severe depression, financial failure and a collapsing marriage, he committed suicide. Money admits he had totally misread the complexities of sexual identity.
We expend way too much energy trying to be someone we are not. It won't work. If you want to develop the skill to relate in an intimate way, we have to learn to recognize, acknowledge and express our deepest desires.
Individuals who consistently go beyond themselves and are genuinely concerned with others are measurably more mentally healthy than those who are not relational and who increasingly close in on themselves.
We reduce our feelings to mad, sad, glad and angry. We must learn to express more emotions to be balanced and healthy.
We isolate and disconnect in religious life. Do we listen to one another in community? Do we spend time with one another? Can we connect with members of our community?
Young people are attracted to contentment, enthusiasm, honesty, and sincere concern in their elders. They will want to join a community that creates such members. Conversely, cranky, bitter, grouchy old men repel potential vocation prospects. Unless the young spend time with the elders and the elders share their stories with the younger members, they will never develop as men.
Can we priest and Brother one another?
First comes the call to discipleship, then comes our conversion.
Attentiveness to the other's needs opens us up to helping one another or at least be aware of the other's existence.
We Maryknollers are not trained for community life, it is not a Maryknoll charism nor our experience overseas, yet here we are together at the Center, often resentful of the circumstances that got us here. We have to be a brotherhood of brothers. How do we manage our feelings and sexuality? How do we get our legitimate, celibate needs met? How do we rediscover the connections here that we experienced overseas?
We isolate in community, settling for relationships of convenience, because we are afraid of true intimacy, of loss, of hurt and we do not acknowledge the need to grieve past losses or hurts.
How do I embrace the moment, feel what I need to feel, grieve and let go and move on to live fully? Are we open to permanent, intimate relationships that will sustain us, even though we have to eventually say goodbye?
If I do not know the God who created my body, how can the Incarnation make any sense? We are passionate and alive to the degree to which we are in touch with our deepest longings.
Showing posts with label celibacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label celibacy. Show all posts
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Kairos moments
Here is the second installment from the talk on Affective Celibacy here at the Center last week by Fr. Jerry McGlone, S.J., director of the St. John Vianney Treatment Center near Philadelphia.
Enough guys continued discussing these topics days after the talk, so several men are proposing getting together in small groups on a regular basis to continue the conversation.
*************************
Taking our Chronos (ordinary time) and using it for Kairos (God's time).
What do people say about priests today? Here are some responses: pedophiles, irrelevant, dedicated, holy, selfless, out-of-it, perverts, prophets...and everything in between. One man suggested there is a disconnect between those priests who work with the people on a regular basis and those who work in an office for the bureaucracy.
Following the sex scandal, many priests feel sold out by the hierarchy (thrown under the proverbial bus); in religious life, members feel abandoned by their leadership.
This is God's time, whether we like it or not. We would be foolish not to read the signs of the times. Do we really believe that something good can come out of this sex abuse crisis? The delusion we live under every day is that time is all about us. Our response is key, this is our choice and responsibility in freedom to live in the reality of the moment.
"We cannot chose the time in which we live, all we can decide is how to use the time we have been given." (BTW, that's Gandolf's line from LOTR).
This moment is either opportunity/grace; or darkness/sin.
What we talk about is rooted in our pasts. Our sexuality did not develop in a vacuum. We have a vision of what we can become, that is the promise of the covenant, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in whose footsteps we walk to seize the day, the hour, this moment---and live!
We have an on-going formation we must be about, always unfolding.
How does all this relate to Addiction and our Culture of Addiction?
Usually we face a both/and situation. We learned about sexuality in silence, and in community. It's always about intimacy. Anything that leads to secrecy and silence leads to addictive patterns.
The Church is not just about us here in Maryknoll, or the local parish or our small community, but rather it embraces the whole world. We need the bigger vision while living in the here and now. How well do we mission here at Maryknoll among one another? Do we show even half the attention, the detail to one another as we do to the people we serve?
Mary's "Fiat" becomes our saying "Yes" to life and possibility.
What is sexuality? Where do we first learn about it? In the street or schoolyard? From our friends or from family? Not one man here said he learned about sex from our parents. Sexuality, on the other hand, may be observed at home. Sex became si meting secretive, not out in the open, and not knowledgeable.
Celibacy, on the other hand, was learned or referred to in the seminary. It was the obligation for one who wanted to become a priest or Brother. It was seldom explained or talked about, so it too deformed in secrecy and silence. We seldom share our stories.
A "sexual celibate" seems an oxymoron. We expected to get "zapped" with the grace to remain celibate. And when this doesn't happen...?
St. Ignatius Loyola taught: "In matters of celibacy, be like the angels." Not a big help. What was the Maryknoll teaching on celibacy? How did we learn to assimilate all those feelings and changes our bodies were undergo in?
The younger members expressed a more earthy understanding of sexuality, and formation afforded opportunities to talk about sex with women as well as men. So there is a big generational divide between older and younger members. Our sexual templates are formed over many years from many sources, for good or ill. The younger men currently in formation and those considering joining are much more relaxed about talking openly about sexual matters. (But what happens when these men encounter formators not equally open or relaxed discussing sexuality?)
We are sacramental, incarnational. All the sacraments are about touch and physicality to express spiritual truths.
Where did we learn how to be celibate? Trial and error, observation and by being Imperfect. We must recognize our sexuality as part of our God-given identity and humanity.
This fed into the "Lone Ranger Mentality" and why older Maryknollers--like the average American man--have difficulty trusting and relying on others. Like an undertow or rip current, we survive only by going with the flow. It starts with the creative crisis of the churning of the sea by some far-off storm. How do we respond to the currents tugging at us? Is this not connected to the same call to vocation and relationality for which we have no role model. We must face and embrace our imperfection. That is incarnation.
Enough guys continued discussing these topics days after the talk, so several men are proposing getting together in small groups on a regular basis to continue the conversation.
*************************
Taking our Chronos (ordinary time) and using it for Kairos (God's time).
What do people say about priests today? Here are some responses: pedophiles, irrelevant, dedicated, holy, selfless, out-of-it, perverts, prophets...and everything in between. One man suggested there is a disconnect between those priests who work with the people on a regular basis and those who work in an office for the bureaucracy.
Following the sex scandal, many priests feel sold out by the hierarchy (thrown under the proverbial bus); in religious life, members feel abandoned by their leadership.
This is God's time, whether we like it or not. We would be foolish not to read the signs of the times. Do we really believe that something good can come out of this sex abuse crisis? The delusion we live under every day is that time is all about us. Our response is key, this is our choice and responsibility in freedom to live in the reality of the moment.
"We cannot chose the time in which we live, all we can decide is how to use the time we have been given." (BTW, that's Gandolf's line from LOTR).
This moment is either opportunity/grace; or darkness/sin.
What we talk about is rooted in our pasts. Our sexuality did not develop in a vacuum. We have a vision of what we can become, that is the promise of the covenant, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in whose footsteps we walk to seize the day, the hour, this moment---and live!
We have an on-going formation we must be about, always unfolding.
How does all this relate to Addiction and our Culture of Addiction?
Usually we face a both/and situation. We learned about sexuality in silence, and in community. It's always about intimacy. Anything that leads to secrecy and silence leads to addictive patterns.
The Church is not just about us here in Maryknoll, or the local parish or our small community, but rather it embraces the whole world. We need the bigger vision while living in the here and now. How well do we mission here at Maryknoll among one another? Do we show even half the attention, the detail to one another as we do to the people we serve?
Mary's "Fiat" becomes our saying "Yes" to life and possibility.
What is sexuality? Where do we first learn about it? In the street or schoolyard? From our friends or from family? Not one man here said he learned about sex from our parents. Sexuality, on the other hand, may be observed at home. Sex became si meting secretive, not out in the open, and not knowledgeable.
Celibacy, on the other hand, was learned or referred to in the seminary. It was the obligation for one who wanted to become a priest or Brother. It was seldom explained or talked about, so it too deformed in secrecy and silence. We seldom share our stories.
A "sexual celibate" seems an oxymoron. We expected to get "zapped" with the grace to remain celibate. And when this doesn't happen...?
St. Ignatius Loyola taught: "In matters of celibacy, be like the angels." Not a big help. What was the Maryknoll teaching on celibacy? How did we learn to assimilate all those feelings and changes our bodies were undergo in?
The younger members expressed a more earthy understanding of sexuality, and formation afforded opportunities to talk about sex with women as well as men. So there is a big generational divide between older and younger members. Our sexual templates are formed over many years from many sources, for good or ill. The younger men currently in formation and those considering joining are much more relaxed about talking openly about sexual matters. (But what happens when these men encounter formators not equally open or relaxed discussing sexuality?)
We are sacramental, incarnational. All the sacraments are about touch and physicality to express spiritual truths.
Where did we learn how to be celibate? Trial and error, observation and by being Imperfect. We must recognize our sexuality as part of our God-given identity and humanity.
This fed into the "Lone Ranger Mentality" and why older Maryknollers--like the average American man--have difficulty trusting and relying on others. Like an undertow or rip current, we survive only by going with the flow. It starts with the creative crisis of the churning of the sea by some far-off storm. How do we respond to the currents tugging at us? Is this not connected to the same call to vocation and relationality for which we have no role model. We must face and embrace our imperfection. That is incarnation.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Healthy celibacy
Maryknoll's Wellness Initiative welcomed Fr. Gerald McGlone, S.J., executive director of the St. John Vianney Treatment Center in Pennsylvania, who spoke to about 37 members in the Asia Room on
"Models of Affective and Celibate Development"
In order to break the Great Silence about the whole area of sexuality, we sometimes need an outsider to come in and give us permission to talk with one another about these very important areas of love, intimacy, friendship, boundaries. (Unlike the usual conversations around here: my latest colonoscopy and the Yankees. Same-same IMHO.)
Most of us were "trained" not to even address these most important topics, so as a result we were our own frame of reference, without contact with an outside reality. The heart never found its way to the head. Thus we stay in our heads we feel safe...or so we think.
One guy said they were trained in formation by Bishop Comber to confine "morality" to abstract issues like "robbing the bank in Tarrytown." (I wonder if, looking back, that wasn't a euphemism, like "Hiking the Old Appalachia Trail" is today?) back in the day, formation never addressed sexual issues besides "don't be alone with a woman."
There was an Anglo-Saxon interpretation of the law: See a red light and stop; and the Roman interpretation: do what is convenient and safe. The so-called "Third Way", popularized in the 1970s, said one could have a special relationship involving sexual intimacy but was still considered celibate if orgasm was not involved. A "Spiritual Relationship" with another person was expressed as asexual intimacy.
In today's secular culture, "Bromances" and "Mandating" are common same-gender relationships without genital expressions. In days of old, there was a clear line between First Base, Second Base etc. Nowadays there are no clear expectations so many misunderstandings and cases of unintended date rape. Bill Clinton gave a Baptist spin on sex which said only intercourse constituted sexual relations.
"Rainbow Parties" are where women wear different colored lipsticks to paint rainbows on guys during oral sex.
Silence on one side and Anything Goes on the other are two dangerous extremes.
What and where is the in-between state where healthy sexuality and celibacy abide? (More will be posted of subsequent talks in the coming days.)
"Models of Affective and Celibate Development"
In order to break the Great Silence about the whole area of sexuality, we sometimes need an outsider to come in and give us permission to talk with one another about these very important areas of love, intimacy, friendship, boundaries. (Unlike the usual conversations around here: my latest colonoscopy and the Yankees. Same-same IMHO.)
Most of us were "trained" not to even address these most important topics, so as a result we were our own frame of reference, without contact with an outside reality. The heart never found its way to the head. Thus we stay in our heads we feel safe...or so we think.
One guy said they were trained in formation by Bishop Comber to confine "morality" to abstract issues like "robbing the bank in Tarrytown." (I wonder if, looking back, that wasn't a euphemism, like "Hiking the Old Appalachia Trail" is today?) back in the day, formation never addressed sexual issues besides "don't be alone with a woman."
There was an Anglo-Saxon interpretation of the law: See a red light and stop; and the Roman interpretation: do what is convenient and safe. The so-called "Third Way", popularized in the 1970s, said one could have a special relationship involving sexual intimacy but was still considered celibate if orgasm was not involved. A "Spiritual Relationship" with another person was expressed as asexual intimacy.
In today's secular culture, "Bromances" and "Mandating" are common same-gender relationships without genital expressions. In days of old, there was a clear line between First Base, Second Base etc. Nowadays there are no clear expectations so many misunderstandings and cases of unintended date rape. Bill Clinton gave a Baptist spin on sex which said only intercourse constituted sexual relations.
"Rainbow Parties" are where women wear different colored lipsticks to paint rainbows on guys during oral sex.
Silence on one side and Anything Goes on the other are two dangerous extremes.
What and where is the in-between state where healthy sexuality and celibacy abide? (More will be posted of subsequent talks in the coming days.)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Pax Nobiscom
WE WELCOME to Maryknoll this weekend a unique group who will be on retreat till Sunday. "Pax Nobiscum" ("Peace be with us") is a support group for former Korean priests from the tri-State area and their wives. Five couples will be here along with their spiritual director.
Their presence reminds us of the awkward limbo many of our former members are in regarding ministry and mandatory celibacy. This awkwardness has been exacerbated by the Vatican's bold overtures to entice disgruntled Anglicans to jump ship en masse, including priests (and seminarians!)—with their wives—and set up a so-called "Anglican rite" within the Roman communion.
The situation is complex is that it is not simply a matter of re-examining and perhaps relaxing the discipline of mandatory celibacy in the Roman Church, but rather of the other ancient tradition of allowing married men into Holy Orders but forbidding ordained men to marry. (Something akin to those metal spikes in the exit lane of certain parking lots. "Warning! Backing up may cause severe tire damage!" Ontologically speaking, "backing up" to marriage after having attained a higher form of existence may indeed blow out some ecclesiastical tires. But I digress...)
In both the Anglican and Orthodox churches, married men may be ordained deacons and priests. In the Orthodox church, only celibate priests may become bishops. Rome has made it clear that should married Anglican bishops return to Rome, they must forgo their episcopal rank. (I presume they do not have the option or inclination to forgo their wives. Then again, wearing a miter can be quite habit forming. But I digress again...)
It is highly unlikely the Vatican would also overturn this tradition (of Holy Orders after marriage but not the other way around) because it is, indeed, very old but also it would then alienate the Orthodox and thus set back attempts at ecumenism and unity with our Eastern schismatics.
In short, our own men who left and "attempted marriage" (in canon law jargon)—and our guests in Pax Nobiscum will still not be welcomed back to active ministry as long as they remain in their attempted married state.
Tensions can only rise among our all-too-few seminarians struggling with a decision to embrace either a lifelong commitment to celibacy or a flesh-and-blood spouse.
On a related note, Father Marty Lowery has invited the Connecticut Korean Catholic community to Maryknoll tomorrow to celebrate an 11:00 Mass. Koreans tend to be somewhat more conservative regarding church issues. I'm not sure the "Pax Nobiscum" group was aware of this coming together of different elements of the Korean church at Maryknoll when they made arrangements to meet here. Some of the formers may even be from that community. Talk about awkward. Doubtful they can be kept apart at lunch tomorrow. "Peace be with us" indeed.
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