Kairos moments

Here is the second installment from the talk on Affective Celibacy here at the Center last week by Fr. Jerry McGlone, S.J., director of the St. John Vianney Treatment Center near Philadelphia.

Enough guys continued discussing these topics days after the talk, so several men are proposing getting together in small groups on a regular basis to continue the conversation.

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Taking our Chronos (ordinary time) and using it for Kairos (God's time).

What do people say about priests today? Here are some responses: pedophiles, irrelevant, dedicated, holy, selfless, out-of-it, perverts, prophets...and everything in between. One man suggested there is a disconnect between those priests who work with the people on a regular basis and those who work in an office for the bureaucracy.

Following the sex scandal, many priests feel sold out by the hierarchy (thrown under the proverbial bus); in religious life, members feel abandoned by their leadership.

This is God's time, whether we like it or not. We would be foolish not to read the signs of the times. Do we really believe that something good can come out of this sex abuse crisis? The delusion we live under every day is that time is all about us. Our response is key, this is our choice and responsibility in freedom to live in the reality of the moment. 

"We cannot chose the time in which we live, all we can decide is how to use the time we have been given." (BTW, that's Gandolf's line from LOTR).

This moment is either opportunity/grace; or darkness/sin.

What we talk about is rooted in our pasts. Our sexuality did not develop in a vacuum. We have a vision of what we can become, that is the promise of the covenant, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in whose footsteps we walk to seize the day, the hour, this moment---and live!

We have an on-going formation we must be about, always unfolding. 
How does all this relate to Addiction and our Culture of Addiction?

Usually we face a both/and situation. We learned about sexuality in silence, and in community. It's always about intimacy. Anything that leads to secrecy and silence leads to addictive patterns.

The Church is not just about us here in Maryknoll, or the local parish or our small community, but rather it embraces the whole world. We need the bigger vision while living in the here and now. How well do we mission here at Maryknoll among one another? Do we show even half the attention, the detail to one another as we do to the people we serve?

Mary's "Fiat" becomes our saying "Yes" to life and possibility.

What is sexuality? Where do we first learn about it? In the street or schoolyard? From our friends or from family? Not one man here said he learned about sex from our parents. Sexuality, on the other hand, may be observed at home. Sex became si meting secretive, not out in the open, and not knowledgeable.

Celibacy, on the other hand, was learned or referred to in the seminary. It was the obligation for one who wanted to become a priest or Brother. It was seldom explained or talked about, so it too deformed in secrecy and silence. We seldom share our stories.

A "sexual celibate" seems an oxymoron. We expected to get "zapped" with the grace to remain celibate. And when this doesn't happen...?

St. Ignatius Loyola taught: "In matters of celibacy, be like the angels." Not a big help. What was the Maryknoll teaching on celibacy? How did we learn to assimilate all those feelings and changes our bodies were undergo in?

The younger members expressed a more earthy understanding of sexuality, and formation afforded opportunities to talk about sex with women as well as men. So there is a big generational divide between older and younger members. Our sexual templates are formed over many years from many sources, for good or ill. The younger men currently in formation and those considering joining are much more relaxed about talking openly about sexual matters. (But what happens when these men encounter formators not equally open or relaxed discussing sexuality?)

We are sacramental, incarnational. All the sacraments are about touch and physicality to express spiritual truths.

Where did we learn how to be celibate? Trial and error, observation and by being Imperfect. We must recognize our sexuality as part of our God-given identity and humanity.

This fed into the "Lone Ranger Mentality" and why older Maryknollers--like the average American man--have difficulty trusting and relying on others. Like an undertow or rip current, we survive only by going with the flow. It starts with the creative crisis of the churning of the sea by some far-off storm. How do we respond to the currents tugging at us? Is this not connected to the same call to vocation and relationality for which we have no role model. We must face and embrace our imperfection. That is incarnation.           

Healthy celibacy

Maryknoll's Wellness Initiative welcomed Fr. Gerald McGlone, S.J., executive director of the St. John Vianney Treatment Center in Pennsylvania, who spoke to about 37 members in the Asia Room on  

"Models of Affective and Celibate Development"

In order to break the Great Silence about the whole area of sexuality, we sometimes need an outsider to come in and give us permission to talk with one another about these very important areas of love, intimacy, friendship, boundaries. (Unlike the usual conversations around here: my latest colonoscopy and the Yankees. Same-same IMHO.)

Most of us were "trained" not to even address these most important topics, so as a result we were our own frame of reference, without contact with an outside reality. The heart never found its way to the head. Thus we stay in our heads we feel safe...or so we think.

One guy said they were trained in formation by Bishop Comber to confine "morality" to abstract issues like "robbing the bank in Tarrytown." (I wonder if, looking back, that wasn't a euphemism, like "Hiking the Old Appalachia Trail"  is today?) back in the day, formation never addressed sexual issues besides "don't be alone with a woman."

There was an Anglo-Saxon interpretation of the law: See a red light and stop; and the Roman interpretation: do what is convenient and safe. The so-called "Third Way", popularized in the 1970s, said one could have a special relationship involving sexual intimacy but was still considered celibate if orgasm was not involved. A "Spiritual Relationship" with another person was expressed as asexual intimacy. 

In today's secular culture, "Bromances" and "Mandating" are common same-gender relationships without genital expressions. In days of old, there was a clear line between First Base, Second Base etc. Nowadays there are no clear expectations so many misunderstandings and cases of unintended date rape. Bill Clinton gave a Baptist spin on sex which said only intercourse constituted sexual relations.

"Rainbow Parties" are where women wear different colored lipsticks to paint rainbows on guys during oral sex. 

Silence on one side and Anything Goes on the other are two dangerous extremes.

What and where is the in-between state where healthy sexuality and celibacy abide?   (More will be posted of subsequent talks in the coming days.)